Lockdown Diary of Theresa Smith - Part One

Lockdown Diary of Theresa Smith, Clerical Officer (logistics).


Day one – The freezer is full so we won’t starve and there are 40 packs of toilet rolls in the shed. We're prepared for all emergencies. I’ve got lots of stuff planned so we won’t get bored either. Old fashioned spring-cleaning for starters. This won’t be too bad, we get along tolerably well and DC can still make me laugh. He has ordered some Scotch Beef to be delivered, from Scotland. He says it won’t come for a fortnight so we’ll have space in the freezer by then. Not sure if this is hygienic.


Day two – Boris has announced that this will go on until after Easter, which is only 3 weeks so no problem. It’s not as if either of us are missing work.  DC’s freelance and mainly can work from home. I was thinking of going part time and now the office has closed entirely. Nobody needs our filing cabinet and telephone sanitising services apparently, which seems ridiculous at a time like this. But maybe this is a good test for full retirement. Cleaned all the windows.


Day four – Decided not to write every day. Shampooed all the carpets. Had to leave all the windows open to let them dry, luckily it's been sunny, although the wind is cold. DC said why not do one room a day rather than all of them at once, but having finally got the machine to work I decided to get it over with. Machine very noisy, I think I’ve gone a bit deaf. Still it’s done now. Son in London phoned, couldn’t hear a word. DC spoke to him.



Day 5 – Boris has announced that social distancing should be two metres not the previous four feet, which is puzzling. DC says why can’t they at least stick to using the same units of measurement and shouldn’t it all be in feet, since Brexit.  Still, we have other problems. The neighbour's hedge is starting to block the light in our front window, I had to sit in the dining room to read my paper.  Tesco delivery, we’ve had a regular Tuesday slot for the past two years, but it’s Wednesday today, I call that a disgrace! At least the order’s mostly right but no toilet paper, no spuds, and instead of broccoli they’ve given us turnips! Never cooked turnips in my life, maybe try them tomorrow. Carpets still a bit wet in places.


Day 7 – Trump says it’s all under control in the States although the news says 1,000 cases just in New York. At least Boris is distancing with his news conferences. The journalists are spaced out now and Nadine Doris has caught it, she’s nowhere to be seen. Wonder if she infected anyone. We tried the turnips, I boiled them and boiled them but they were just sour and fibrous, a bit like eating tree roots. Think my hearing‘s more or less come back, but the house is still a bit damp.


Day 9 – DC decided to make the heating more efficient by bleeding all the radiators.  This black gunge sprayed out and went everywhere including into DC’s face.  I had to laugh but now I need to clean the living room carpet again, and the window and the wall.  Son in London phoned, his place of work has closed down, at least he can stop going on the crowded tube, breathing in all those viruses.


Day 12 – Tesco delivery. Only half of the right things came, still no toilet paper or potatoes. Also, instead of 4 tins of baked beans they sent one tin of bortolli beans, no idea what those are, and they sent more bloody turnips! I can’t get through to complain. Our daily walk takes us past some horses in a field, I might see if they like turnips. DC is trying his hand at some cooking, maybe he can do something with those beans. There’s some mould in the corner of our bedroom. Tried it with bleach and now the carpet’s stained. Bother!


Day 13 – Boris has caught it! If he dies, who takes over? Gove sounds the most sensible. I hope it’s not that Cummings, he looks so weasley and he wants to sacrifice the pensioners.  Have finished all the spring cleaning now, even cleaned the oven, not very well but will have to do. Not sure what to do next.  DC has taken over the cooking since his work has dried up and it’s too cold to start on the garden.  We had mashed turnips with sausages, not too bad with enough ketchup, but will need more of that soon, wonder what Tesco will send instead.


Day 19 – The Scotch Beef may arrive today. DC says he can track it online. Apparently our driver is called Nikolai and he has 397 deliveries before he gets to us. I know it’s a long way from Scotland to the South Coast, but that’s going to take him until next week! I wonder where he sleeps.

Day 22 – Disaster! The shed was broken into while we were out on our walk, DC said the buggers must have been lurking behind next door’s hedge waiting for us to go out. DC’s asked next door before to cut his hedge but he's not bothered.  The buggers left the Flymo, and son’s mountain bike, but they took ALL OUR TOILET ROLLS!  Now we’ve only got the 15 packs stored under son’s bed.