Sunday, 16 December 2012

My take on a Royal Proclamation which has been circulated...

Proclamation to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdoms of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
In light of the following three factors:
1                  your insistence on winning the majority of the Olympic medals even though the recent games took place in Great Britain and not in some backwater American State,

2                your failure to control your urges to acquire all the oil resources on the planet and

3                 your proclivity (despite having two elected governing houses when it should be obvious that one is too many) for usually electing incompetent politicians who are only in it for the money and are in all cases incapable of believing that there is a world beyond the US borders (i.e. the Olympics have not just been superbly produced in London, England, but in London. Full Stop.);
The Tower of London.

you have proved incapable of governing yourselves; we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, this revocation to take immediate effect (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary, all other dictionaries are inaccurate and will be abolished).
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories within the borders of the former United States (except for Alaska, which she does not want and will be returned to the natives).
 Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will consult Her Majesty the Queen on the appointment of a Governor for Northern America (excluding Alaska [see above]) without the need for further elections. The current U.S. president may apply for the position provided he drops the idea of being a ‘democrat’. No ‘republican’ may apply, Great Britain is a Monarchy not a ‘republic’.
Congress and the Senate will be dis-established. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed. Each former state will become a County and may elect a County Council. Former ‘counties’ will, depending on their size, become either Parishes or Rural Districts, with the sole exception of Hazzard County, which is amusing.

 To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 I . Language. The letter 'U' will be re-instated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' ‘humour’, 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Also, you will spell 'doughnut' without omitting half of the letters and the suffix ‘-ise' will replaced the suffix '-ize.'  Generally, you will be expected to elevate your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘elevate’ [n.b. this is nothing to do with vertically mobile boxes containing bankers, these are lifts] and 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary [see above]) WARNING – Any adult using the word ‘transportation’ when they mean transport will be sentenced immediately and without right of appeal to transportation to Van Diemens’ Land (see the map of the British Empire which will be issued following this Proclamation).

 II . Spelling. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will inform Microsoft on your behalf and the Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take this into account together with all changes in clause I above. Also the word ‘sidewalk’ will be automatically replaced with pavement, the word ‘closet’ will be replaced with wardrobe and the word ‘bathroom’ will be replaced with lavatory except where there is a bath-tub in the specified room.
 III . Dates and Holidays. The correct manner for writing dates begins with the day, not the month. Mothers’ Day will revert to being Mothering Sunday and will be celebrated in Parish Churches, not shopping centres. The word ‘vacation’ will be replaced by the word holiday. The 4th of July will no longer be a public holiday, thanks-giving will be known as harvest-festival and 'trick-or-treating' will be regarded as demanding money with menaces which is a Criminal Offence, otherwise the celebration of Halloween is permitted; the following costumes are not permitted: Captain America, Pee Wee Herman, Barbie and nobody with a BMI of more than 30 may dress as Spiderman. In compensation for your loss of the public holiday on the 4th of July, you will be permitted to let off fireworks and burn effigies on the 5th of November.

 IV . Weapons. All guns will be licenced and should only be used for shooting pheasant, grouse or stag. You may not shoot anything you are not prepared to eat, this includes foxes, Landrover tyres and traffic wardens. As many of you seem incapable of resolving issues without resorting to the use of guns and/or lawyers and/or therapists, you are clearly not ready to shoot pheasant, let alone grouse and stag. Therefore, without a licence you will not be allowed to own anything more dangerous than a potato peeler and a licence will be required if you wish to carry said peeler in public. 

V . Driving. All yellow taxis will be painted black, all SUV’s will be painted baby pink and all intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left-hand side of the road with immediate effect but please don’t panic, driving on the left will NOT turn you into a communist. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 VI. Money. The former USA will adopt British prices for petrol (which you have been erroneously calling gasoline) of roughly $12/U.S. gallon. This so-called U.S. gallon will be replaced with a proper Imperial Gallon, which is larger and your dollar will of course be replaced with the British pound, (also known as a Quid) which is after all more valuable. N.B. the smaller denomination coins are to be called pence, not ‘pee’, which is vulgar. The largest coin has seven sides and is worth 50 pence, the smallest round coin is worth five pence, the one penny coin is not worth stooping to pick up when dropped, the one pound coin is smaller than the two pence coin  (which is only useful for adjusting storage heaters) and the two pound coin will not fit in most parking meters. You will get used to it.
 VII . Potatoes etc. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things which you call French fries are not real chips, neither are they French, and those which you insist on calling chips are properly called potato crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup, but with salt and vinegar. Hot dogs are illegal under the Trade Descriptions Act of 1968 unless they contain real dog - please remember Corgis and foxhounds are protected species.
 VIII . Beer. The anaemic, frozen beverage you insist on calling beer is not. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and must be served at room temperature. European brews of accepted provenance are referred to as Lager and may be lightly chilled. American brands will be referred to as Frozen Gnat's Urine (FGU) to satisfy the requirements of the above mentioned Trade Descriptions Act.

IX . Children. These will not be referred to as ‘kids.’ Kids are baby goats. Children will attend school until they are sixteen, then they may go to college or to jobseeker’s allowance, there are apparently no jobs for 16 year olds. Fortunately, higher education is now too expensive for the majority. Children are not permitted to drive before the age of 17 unless their parents own a private road. They may marry and/or join the British Army at 16 and must start drinking beer as soon as they are 18, failure to do so is deleterious to the British brewing industry. They may not drink FGU until they are 21, in line with your current customs.
 X . Cinema N.B. This is the correct word for ‘movie theatre’. Theatres show live performances, not films. Hollywood will be required to cast all English actors as goodies and not just Dame Judi Dench. Hollywood will also be required to cast English, Scottish, Irish or Welsh actors to play all English, Scottish, Irish or Welsh characters. Mel Gibson will only be permitted to play Australians and Braveheart will be re-filmed starring Billy Connolly. Films involving Andie McDowell will not be permitted except for ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral,’ where she will be digitally replaced by anybody else, Eddie Izzard would be an acceptable substitute and would look superb in the frock.

 XI . Sport. You will cease playing ‘American football.’  There are only two kinds of football; Association Football (the one you call soccer) and Rugby Football, known respectively as Football and Rugby (or Rugger if you went to private school, which will henceforth be known as Public School). You will not be allowed to play Association Football. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has similarities to 'American football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like a bunch of wimps). You will learn that real men play Rugby. You may play golf but not in stupid trousers (N.B. Pants are what you must wear UNDER your trousers). The only American who may win Wimbledon is Venus Williams, H.R.H. The Duke of Edinburgh has advised she is a fine figure of a sports-woman.

 XII . Further, you will cease playing baseball, this game is correctly called rounders and is only suitable for small children. Furthermore, it is irrational to host an event called ‘the World Series’ for a game which is never played beyond your borders. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable, therefore once you have
learnt how to play cricket, (which will take some years as there are only three people fully competent to explain the rules to you) you may be permitted to play cricket matches against Iceland, Scotland and Ireland, but not England or Wales and definitely not Australia or Pakistan (see 4 above).

XIII. Initialisation. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad… or do we mean who killed JR..? OJ…? All people will be referred to by their FULL names.

 XIV . Back Taxes. An ‘internal revenue agent’ (i.e. a tax collector) from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all taxes, fines and other monies due (backdated to 1776). Inhabitants of Boston in the new County of Massachusetts will also be billed for the tea.
. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 o’clock, with china cups and saucers (not mugs) containing tea (made with leaves) and not coffee, which may only be consumed at elevenses and after dinner. The tea will be served with biscuits (not ‘cookies’), crumpets and cakes etc. (N.B. muffins should be toasted and do NOT contain chocolate chips), plus strawberries with clotted cream from the Duchy of Cornwall, when in season. If you live latitudinally north of Watford Gap, you may refer to your evening meal as ‘tea’, provided you sit at a proper table and begin no later than 6 o’clock at night, otherwise the evening meal is supper, unless there are candlesticks on the table, when it is dinner unless you live north of Watford Gap where dinner is eaten at lunchtime. If you eat your dinner at lunchtime you may not also eat lunch and after 6 0’clock you may not eat tea, dinner and supper, due to your obesity problem.

If you have any questions, please telephone the House of Lords. You might just catch them between lunch and dinner.
 God Save the Queen

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