Friday, 4 November 2016

In view of the US election...

Proclamation to the citizens of the United States of America, from
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
of the United Kingdoms of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

 In light of the following three factors:
1                   your election as Head of State, a man who wears a yellow hairpiece and builds trumpery on our land in Scotland. No decent man wears a hairpiece. We should know, neither our husband, nor our son nor our grandson sport such an affectation,
2                    your failure to control your urge to eat until you explode, unlike our subjects in Great Britain half of whom are too poor to over eat,
3                    your proclivity (despite having two elected governing houses when it should be obvious that one is too many) for electing incompetents who are only in it for the power and are in most cases incapable of believing that there is a world beyond the US borders (i.e. the 2012 Olympic Games were not superbly run in London, England, but in London. Full Stop.);

it has been noted that you have proved incapable of governing yourselves.

We hereby give Notice of the Revocation of your Independence from Tuesday the 9th of November 2016 AD.

This revocation to take immediate effect (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary, all other "English" dictionaries will be abolished).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories within the borders of the former United States of America (except for Alaska, which is too cold for a Royal Visit and will be returned to the natives, together with oil revenues).

Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May (for the moment), will consult Her Majesty the Queen on the appointment of a Governor for Northern America (excluding Canada which is already accounted for and Alaska [see above]), without the need for further elections. The recently elected ‘president’ may not apply for the post. No ‘republican’ may apply, even if he disposes of the hairpiece. Great Britain is a Monarchy, not a republic. Persistent ‘republicans’ will be treated as traitors and subject to transportation for life (see 1, below).

Congress and the Senate will be dis-established. Each former state will become a county and may elect a county council. Former ‘counties’ will, depending on their size, become either Parishes or Rural Districts, with the sole exception of Hazzard County, which is amusing.

 To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following regulations are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. Language
There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will inform Microsoft on your behalf and all spell-checkers must be adjusted to take this into account.  Therefore the letter 'U' will be re-instated in words such as 'colour,' ‘humour' and 'neighbour.' Also, you will spell 'doughnut' without omitting half of the letters and the suffix ‘-ise' will not contain the letter Z. Generally, you will be expected to elevate your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘elevate’ [n.b. this is nothing to do with vertically mobile boxes containing bankers, these are merely lifts] and 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary [see above]). WARNING – Any adult using the word ‘transportation’ when they mean railway trains, sailing vessels and aircraft will be sentenced immediately and without right of appeal to transportation to Van Diemens’ Land (see the new map of the British Empire which will be issued following this Proclamation), alongside persistent 'republicans'. Also the the word ‘closet’ will be replaced with wardrobe and the word ‘bathroom’ will be replaced with lavatory except where there is a bath-tub in the specified room. Realtors will be re-educated to become estate agents, it can’t be that difficult.
  2. Dates and Holidays. The correct manner for writing dates begins with the day, not the month. Mothers’ Day will revert to being Mothering Sunday and will be celebrated in Parish Churches, not in shopping centres. The word ‘vacation’ will be replaced by the word holiday. The fourth of July will no longer be a public holiday, thanks-giving will be known as harvest-festival and trick-or-treating will be regarded as demanding money with menaces which is a Criminal Offence, otherwise the celebration of Halloween is permitted for one day only; the following costumes are not permitted: Captain America, Killer Clowns, Donald Drumph, Barbie and nobody with a BMI of more than 30 may dress as Spiderman. In compensation for your loss of the public holiday on the 4th of July, you will be permitted to let off fireworks and burn potential regicides on the 5th of November.

  3. Weapons/Lawyers/Therapists. You will learn to resolve problems without resorting to the use of guns and/or lawyers and/or therapists.  The fact that you are so dependent on guns and/or lawyers and/or therapists indicates that you are incapable of behaving as sane, independent adults and therefore cannot possibly be sensibly independent as a country. All guns must be licensed and may only be used for shooting grouse, stag or rats. As you can't resolve issues without suing someone or talking to a therapist, you are certainly not ready to shoot rats, let alone grouse or stag. Therefore, without a gun licence you will not be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a potato peeler, and a licence will be required if you wish to carry a potato peeler in public. N.B. Licensing also applies to members of the NRA, unlicensed members will be re-branded as survivalists and deposited, unarmed in the wildest part of Yellowstone Park wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

4. Driving. All yellow taxis will be painted black, all SUV’s will be painted baby pink and all intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left-hand side of the road with immediate effect but be reassured that driving on the left does NOT turn you into a communist. You will learn to stop at zebras, go when pelicans flash and not frighten the horses. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  5. Money. The former U.S.A. will adopt British prices for petrol (which you have been erroneously calling gasoline) of roughly $10/U.S. gallon. This so-called U.S. gallon will be replaced with a proper Imperial Gallon, which is larger and your dollar $ will of course be replaced with the British Pound £, (also known as a quid) which is after all more valuable. N.B. the smaller denomination coins are called pence, not ‘pee’, which is vulgar, and one of these is a penny. If you drop a penny you may not pick it up, they are to be left for tramps. The largest coin has seven sides and is worth fifty pence, the twenty pence coin is easily confused with the ten-penny piece (formerly the florin), the smallest silver coin is worth five pence (formerly a shilling or bob), the one pound coin is smaller than the two pence coin and the two pound coin will not fit in most parking meters. The Sovereign is generally worth more than its face value and the half-crown is obsolete. Euros and Krugerrand may also be acceptable in certain shops in London. You will get used to it.

  6. Fast Food. You will learn to make real chips. Those things which you call French fries are not real chips, neither are they French, and those which you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup, but with salt and vinegar. Hot dogs are illegal under the Trade Descriptions Act of 1968 unless they contain real dog. You may cull pit-bulls for this purpose - please remember Corgis are a protected species.
  7. Alcohol. A) The cold, yellow stuff you insist on calling beer is not. Henceforth, only proper British Beer will be referred to as such and must be served at room temperature. European brews of accepted provenance are referred to as Lager and may be chilled. American brands can still be sold but must be rebranded as Frozen Gnat's Urine (FGU) to satisfy the requirements of the above mentioned Trade Descriptions Act.  B) The only approved spirits are Whisky, which comes from Scotland, Whiskey which is (we are told) Irish and Gin which is a London beverage. C) Cider may be brewed and drunk by all those living West of Taunton (which is all of you, so count your blessings). Wine may be consumed by those who can prove European parentage.

8. Children. Kids are baby goats. Children will attend school until they are sixteen, then they may go to college or to job-seeker’s allowance. There are apparently no jobs for 16 year olds, so they may drink cider. Children are not permitted to learn to drive before the age of 17 except on their parents' own private roads. They may vote at 18 but this is unnecessary. They may marry and should be encouraged to join the British Armed Forces at 16 and must start drinking beer as soon as they reach 18, failure to do so can cause serious harm to the British economy. They may not drink FGU until they are 21, in line with your current customs.
  9. Cinema. NB. This is the correct word for ‘movie theatre’. Theatre shows are live performances (by the Royal Shakespeare Company or Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber) not films. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as goodies, not as baddies. Hollywood will also be required to cast English, Scottish, Irish or Welsh actors to play all English, Scottish, Irish or Welsh characters and not just Dame Judi Dench. Mel Gibson will only be permitted to play Australians and Braveheart will be re-filmed starring Billy Connelly. Films involving Andi MacDowell will be banned except for ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral,’ where she will be digitally replaced by somebody else; Eddie Izzard would wear the frock better.

 10. Sport. You will cease playing ‘American football,’ since this is an oxymoron for a game where the ball is not kicked.  There are only two kinds of football; Association Football (the one you call soccer), and Rugby Football, known respectively as Football and Rugby (or rugger if you went to private school, which will henceforth be known as Public School). You will probably not be allowed to play association football, this is up to the FA. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to 'American football' but does not involve stopping for a rest every ten seconds or wearing full body armour like a bunch of sissies). Basket-ball is correctly called netball and is to be played by young women only. You may play golf but not in stupid trousers (N.B. Pants are what you must wear UNDER your trousers). Andy Murray will always beat any American tennis player, in fact the only American who may win Wimbledon is Serena Williams (H.R.H. The Duke of Edinburgh has advised that she is a fine figure of a sportswoman).  

  11. Further, you will stop playing baseball, this game is correctly called rounders and is only suitable for small children. Furthermore, it is totally irrational to host an event called ‘the World Series’ for a game which is never played beyond your current borders. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Once you have learned how to play cricket, (which will take some years as there are only three people alive who are fully competent to explain the rules) you may be permitted to play matches against Iceland, Scotland, Ireland and possibly France but not Wales and definitely not Pakistan or Australia (see 4 above).

12. Names and Initials. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It is profoundly irritating being kept in ignorance all these years… or do we mean who killed JR..? OJ…? All people will be referred to by their FULL names at all times. Titles must also be used, but anyone whose name is Earl, Count or King will become known as plain Mister (or Missus, Miss etc.). New babies must be registered with sensible British names such as Alice, Geoffrey or Sadiq. All names will be correctly spelled without extraneous insertions of x, y or z and those already suffering under given names such as Dwaynette, Xylem or Kaylee-Zay may request instant re-classification from an approved list of Genuine British Names.

 13. Back Taxes. An ‘internal revenue agent’ (i.e. a tax collector) from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all taxes, fines and other monies due (backdated to 1776). This will be collected in linen sacks, not via paypal or American Express (which will become a Coutts Bank product). In certain circumstances payment in kind may be acceptable, e.g. Gold bars, Old Masters, Vintage Claret and Champion Racehorses; please consult the Royal Palaces Website for other acceptable items. Inhabitants of the Parish of Boston in the newly created County of Massachusetts will also be billed for the tea.
 14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, with china cups and saucers (not mugs, these are for builders’ tea only), made in a teapot containing tea (leaves, not bags (see builders’ tea)). The tea will be served with full cream milk and lump-sugar, accompanied by biscuits (not ‘cookies’), toasted teacakes (which are buns) or crumpets and cakes etc. (N.B. muffins should be toasted and contain neither blueberries nor chocolate chips), plus strawberries with clotted cream from the Duchy of Cornwall, when in season. Coffee may only be consumed at elevenses and after dinner. If you live latitudinally north of Watford, you may refer to your evening meal as ‘tea’, provided you sit at a proper table and commence eating no later than 6 o’clock at night, otherwise the evening meal is supper, unless there are candlesticks on the table, in which case it is dinner unless you live north of Watford where dinner is eaten at lunchtime. If you eat dinner at lunchtime you may not additionally eat lunch and after 6 0’clock you may not eat tea and dinner and supper, due to your obesity problems.

If you have any questions, please telephone the House of Lords. You might just catch them between lunch and dinner.

 God Save the Queen

1 comment:

  1. I acknowledge that this is not entirely original. I have enhanced/adapted a meme that has been around for some time.